I hate feeling so off-kilter. Things aren’t bad, but I feel very unbalanced, and I don’t know what exactly I need to adjust to feel right. As soon as I think I do, the tweak I just made leaves me feeling off in another area…I guess it’s just the challenge of life.
I know one thing I need to do is just let go of things I can’t control. Again, not anything earth breaking or revolutionary, but I’ve realized lately that I struggle with this. I get upset by things that really have nothing to do with me. Or rather, when stepping back, I realize that small thing triggers a bigger issue…but again, upon internal investigation, is usually something that I need to just let go of. All I can do is control how I treat other people. How I go about my day to day.
I just have this fear of missing out. Mostly on small things. I feel lately that there are so many things that go on, so many little things that I wish I could be around for, that I’m not able to be…and the few times lately that I have been around, and able to be apart of what I’ve been missing out on, I’ve consciously put something else first…without that being realized. Or a couple times that I have been around and able to just be, I’m off put and opt to remove myself from a situation in which I know I would not be positive or pleasant to be around. So I just am perpetually feeling unsatisfied. I know it’s me, and that I need to align my priorities, and just get my head in the right place. Let go.
I was on the brink…slash…contemplating a post in response to a post that made me feel like I…was/am a thing taken for granted. Posting disdain for those “omg best night EVER!” posts that…are so uncharacteristic of their author that it’s funny to those who actually know the poet. And while I realize this posting by nature is begging for acknowledgment…I’m going to stop, post, and go upstairs to someone who loves me.
I wrote my first start to finish song. And I will probably never play it for any one…but it feels good to have those specific thoughts down, and out, and in the body of a song, as opposed to a half finished blog post that I’ll never be able to pin point and find again.
hm, maybe that’s not a good thing…
is crazy to me. In so many ways - good, bad, and ugly. There is so much talent just, walking around, and there’s so much lack of talent claiming they’re talent…but I guess that’s the game?
but for instance…was talking to an actor in my last show, and he mentioned he had written a script, it was ok…by the way had been produced and shot….6mil budget, no big deal…and he just dropped that into conversation and walked away - but not in a name-dropping way, in a way that…I don’t know, it actually wasn’t a big deal to him in retrospect (as he as playing a small role in this play I’m stage managing)…
But seriously, makes one think about how relative it all is.
I, quite literally, want to punch a hole in a wall. Right now. and earlier - I wanted, to literally, punch a hole in the wall. Two very different surrounding circumstances, both fostering my desire to put my fist through something solid. What does this mean?
The first was because the person I was (trying) communicating with just.doesn’t.get IT sometimes. The second because…maybe instead of teasing, I need someone to talk to.
And being able to park would be nice. So nice.
This may sound silly, but I’ve had some really good conversations with some really good people lately. Not that I’m not accustomed to having poor conversations but…I don’t know, sometimes I find myself going days, or even weeks without really…talking to people. It’s one thing to listen, and it’s one thing to have someone listen to you. But these past couple of days I’ve really engaged with some people that I really like, and care about - and that has been nice.
one of the actors of my show very graciously hosted a dinner tonight…which was a lot of fun. People I know and have worked with, new people, all around a good time. At one point, said actor’s husband (the host is a female, I am just using what I believe to be the correct term for the profession, regardless of gender) mentioned that “since she doesn’t work”…and in no way was that meant as a dig at her, NO way. But my knee jerk reaction was a…butwhatreally?? And then I found myself, in awe of my self and my reaction…so freaking what? I know this woman. Am working with this woman. And the last assumption I would make is that she lacked motivation or ambition, and…having, and raising a family could be considered the pinnacle of that. It was just such a harsh contrast from what I would have thought say…10-12 years ago? Then - meeting or hearing about a women who wasn’t a stay at home mom was the shocking thing. I guess the point that I’m meaning to make is that to just expect something from a person, based on their given gender, is bullshit. For me to expect that a woman should be a homemaker because she is a woman, is just as stupid as assuming that a woman shouldn’t be a stay at home mom because she is capable woman. They are not mutually exclusive. And trying to make them such flies in the face of the quest for equality.
…we’re trained to think, well, some of us, to approach every day with the idea that you never know what it’s going to bring. That each day could be a day that changes your life. And it’s true. The love of our life could waltz in and sweep us off of our feet. You could win the lottery. And again, those things are true. Even remembering that something negative could happen to us that could change our lives forever, an earthquake, a car crash, heart attack…but likewise, I think it is worthwhile to remember- you could make a mistake today that will change the rest of your life. That may seem to go hand in hand with the other instances, and it most certainly does. But there’s a passivity to the other situations…things may happen to me. There’s a sense of abandon in those - I can’t do anything about it either way, what will happen will happen. Which is well and good and true, but I think what is more important to remember, or rather to just be aware of I suppose, is that what you do today, the choice you made this afternoon, can be a life changing one. You could have broken up with the love of your life…you just won’t know it til you’ve gone through a bunch of losers. Not signing up for that class excluded an entire branch of your extended family tree that might have been.
One could second guess themselves to death, and that’s not what I mean. I just mean, that like the hopefully opportunities, and the disaster’s that you take odd comfort in your lack of ability to control - it is well to remember that your own decisions can carry the weight of an earthquake, or a winning lotto ticket.
Today…was a day. I’ve been thinking alot, which is not unusual for me, or even something that I should get out of the habit of doing - letsbereal. But today…started with hearing from someone that I have been thinking about alot lately, and prompted more thinking…just to be put into perspective, though the kind of I am not yet sure, by some very sombering news. News that I’ve…I don’t even know. I’ve been on this earth for 26 years, and I’ve had people around me pass away, but I’ve never experienced someone who passed away being the one to tell me it was coming. I suppose that is a blessing, and thinking about it, it is. But today I was told by my boss, that he, short of a miracle, is going to die very soon. And I feign no closeness, but he is someone that I admire, and that has been extremely supportive and understanding of me, and…a good person. I have had my frustrations with our working relationship from time to time, but it has never extending beyond that, and I believe any time I describe him, or have described him, it has been prefaced with “he is a great guy…”. I just…it puts things into perspective. I was dancing with my grandmother this past weekend, and he very well might not live to see 65. Might not see his son get half way thru college.
Chemo. 3 times a day. Maybe he meant week, but either way. Mentioning having a anniversary/birthday party, ending up serving as a way to say goodbye…I just…it’s hard to see someone who’s not ready to go, getting ready to go. And I pray for a miracle. Please, if you read this, pray for a miracle.